Raw Faith

I had a major realization today while I was doing my daily homework for Experiencing God.

Asking God for a sign often indicates unbelief.

There is it.

I blogged asking for signs (text, email). I had even just written in the margin of my workbook "Why don't we get signs like Moses?". I even talked about it last night to my ladies small group of how I wanted a sign so bad.

And then there was that exact sentence. "Asking God for a sign often indicates unbelief".

Just like the religious leaders asked of Jesus.

So, I got my answer to my question. Asking God for a sign often indicates unbelief.

There it is.
I am exposed.

What I do believe and do not question: 1. I believe in God and his son Jesus. 2. I believe in doing good and serving others. 3. I believe that Jesus is the way to heaven.

But do I have faith and trust in God?

My faith and trust are weak. It's been in my head the past few days but until I read that statement, it wasn't in my face. THAT WAS MY SIGN I WAS ASKING FOR: ASKING GOD FOR A SIGN OFTEN INDICATES UNBELIEF.

I've been going through the motions, not like I did when I was a child at church, just going through the rituals I had learned in the Catholic Church (stand up, kneel, site the Lord's Prayer, etc)...........but none the less, I am going through the motions. They mean more, more than I ever thought they could. I believe what I do to worship to be true. The motions are meaningful.

But it is suppose to be so much more than that.

Deep down do I trust that nothing bad will ever happen to my family or me again? or will I loose any faith I have if it did?

Why does He have to use bad things like traumatic death, disease, or other tragedies to test our faith? (I know the answer: because it is the only real test that would count)

I know some of you are saying "God didn't say that nothing bad will happen, but He did say He would be there for us when it did".

Yeah, I've heard that too. But when it is happening, you sure as hell fire don't feel that way. I've been there.

If he controls all or at least CAN control all- why does he let bad things happen?

And I actually know the answer to this one (thanks to The Shack):

FREE WILL

we have the choice to obey and love him. He can't make us, cause then it wouldn't be real. I actually really get that.

My lack of faith:
I know it will be fine in the end. but I don't want anymore pain like loosing a loved one tragically and way too early. I don't know if I could handle that again. I did a terrible job the first time (but I was also not an active Christian)But could I loose Martin or one of my boys and keep my faith (or at least the faith I hope to have)?

Could I ever pass another test?

So, I am exposed. To myself. I choose to share this because I know others who will read and give me support and ways to work on this. I don't mind being exposed like this, cause I know that is where I have to be to surrender and get anywhere on my journey with God. And 2 hours at small group sure as heck ain't long for me to get where I want to be. And I can't hog my small group leader all to myself for as long as I want.

So, how do I work on this? Is it to surrender the next layer of myself until its all peeled off? drop all pride? isn't that surrendering?