My Family
Our Family
Monday, May 14, 2012
No one is perfect......
I've debated if I should blog about this or not. I've been too concerned with what others may think, but I also know writting out my feelings and sharing it with others allows me to heal. Some call it weak to show others my weakness, some think I shouldn't write about things like this cause it allows others to "see" too much into my issues.............but I have also been told by many people whom I respect that it helps them when I talk about my feelings.......they tell me they feel better cause they know they are not alone and others feel this way as well. SO............
I've been dealing with anxiety and depression lately. I have tried to fight it on my own for awhile, but it is a losing battle. It all comes down to this: I am not meant to be a stay at home mom. There. I said it. And I know lots of you are saying "Well, duh. I could have told you that long time ago." But I am hard headed and I had to figure it out on my own.
So, what to do: 1. Doctor appointment today. Thank you Brian Hughes and others who have struggled with this, that shared your stories with me. It helps a lot to know I am not alone and sometimes people need help.
The truth is I feel like a failure as a mom and wife and I can't keep doing this to my husband and kids. I am a better mom when I have time away from my kids. I am a people person, and lately my only social life is Facebook and that is pathetic. I need more. It's selfish of me, I know. But right now, I feel as I have nothing to call my own. Some people would kill to be a stay at home mom. Some of my friends would love to have that opportunity. But I can't do it anymore. It's killing me. I do love having that extra time with Chaytor and being here for all of Russell's developments. But I miss people.
I am anxious all the time and that makes for a poopy mom and wife. My amazing husband has done all he can and still does all he can to help me. But it isn't getting better and I know it's time to act.
I don't have a specific plan yet and I know I need to lean on God more too........due to the anxiety I have stopped reading my Bible studies and that has just thrown me farther away from God. I don't go to the gym as much as I need and that is not for weight issues but sanity issues. I get anxious about messing Russell's schedule up and lots of other things that come to mind..........
I literally shake lately. I can;t stop thinking about "what ifs" and "I should be doings"........
So I give up. And I feel like a failure. But I know I have to start somewhere. So I am looking into volunteering at church a few days a week and Russell going to a sitter for a few hours in the morning on those days. That makes me anxious too. I also know others will judge me that I chose to stay home and now I am "giving up". But I am taking that risk so that I can be a better, less anxious, more calm mom........and that is what will benefit my family the most.
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4 comments:
If someone else were supposed to be those kids' mom, she would be those kids' mom. You were meant to be their mom for a reason. Probably a million reasons. So you get to decide--from your own, capable, loving mommy heart--what is best for your entire family. Do what you have to do; hold your head up high; and own your decisions. There's nothing wrong w/ them. Working moms are good moms, too. SAH is a tough gig. It makes all of us about half crazy, I think, as if we weren't, already.
It's the hardest thing I have EVER done, this staying-at-home-with-the kids thing. When I was home full-time, I thought I'd go crazy if I couldn't go work. When I'd go work or volunteer or something part-time, I thought I'd go nuts because I missed being home. And the guilt...there's no easy, one solution.
It'll likely be an up and down journey until they're 18. And maybe beyond. I still struggle. What I've come to understand is that there is a fine balance between self-care and navigating All That Needs To Be Done. You only find that through experience.
So, don't beat yourself up. Come volunteer at church. Bring the baby with you at times, or leave him with a sitter for a few hours. Little movements one way or the other aren't going to rock the boat too extensively. Take care of yourself.
What counts most is that you are the best mom you can be for your kids. If that means an occasion pedicure, 10 hours a week away from child care, one night a week out, whatever - you've got common sense and you will make the right decision.
Love you. Praying for you.
This is your own personal decision honey. I admire you for knowing what makes you a better mom. I feel the same ways as you ... I need that time away to be all that I can be for them when I am home!
Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like the only person you are "failing" is you. There is nothing wrong with needing to have time for you. Losing yourself, does not make you a good mom. Finding yourself, whether it be new ideas,a new haircut, or realizing something you never discovered before, does. Martin, fell in love with YOU, and your children will love and appreciate you know matter if you need time away. You are Chayter & Russell's Mom. You are Martin's wife. But most importantly you are Karen Green Heinike. That is what matters most. I am thankful that Martin has found you and in return so have we. You are an amazing wife & mother, don't ever doubt yourself or decisions. Go with your gut. Your womanly instincts are never wrong. Live in the moment. And as far as going to see somebody for anxiety, that will only help you through it. I know a lot of people do not like taking meds. However, there is a time in most lives where they have to. After all, that is what they are there for. That and a glass of good wine. Love you!
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