So tonight I got angry. I can honestly say it has been quite some time since I felt that way. And I kept my mouth shut, well long enough to leave the place where it occurred and get in the car. And vent to my husband.
We've been discussing prayer in a group I belong to. It has been a very good discussion and I have learned a lot. I have learned that I need to talk to God more. I do pray. But not enough and I know when I do it will bring me closer to Him. But I use to think prayer was to ask God for something. I always thanked Him for the good days and the blessings I have in my life, but I really have not asked Him for anything lately. It's weird, maybe?
Well, I think that shows me I need to talk to him more. I know that much. But does it mean I need to put more trust in him? Have I been assuming I didn't need to ask Him for anything because nothing major has come up lately? Or is it because I do trust him so much that I leave it all to him?
I do admit I do trust that He will bring people/things/needs to me when He wishes too. The whole prayer question started up in my head when one day, on Facebook, I just kept seeing all these prayer requests on people's statuses...so it made me wonder...what are we suppose to pray for? What SHOULD we really pray for? I mean really pray for?
We looked at scripture to help answer my questions. We listened to each other. We learn from each other. We each share our experiences at certain times in our lives that have shaped us to who we are today.
We started talking about the power of prayer and are they answered? Why or why not?
I told my group that I had been thinking a lot about prayer since the week before and the scriptures we read. I saw (in the Bible) where God did change His mind sometimes after people prayed to him. We also read where He said I will do what I said I will do and I don't change my mind. Ok, so maybe not exactly in those words, but something close enough. So a little confusing there.
But I am still confused about some things and I personally think somethings people pray for are not what God wants us to pray for. If we are 'in line with God and his wants' then we are suppose to let it go and put our trust in Him. And the discussion turned to me not quite understanding why we (we, as people) pray for older people to be healed and get better and not die and rest in heaven. So, now I know this can make me sound like a royal *&^%. I get that, but it is still a question I have. When I see babies dying and children suffering and young peoples lives ended early due to illness, starvation, and accidents.....I can't help it. And yes, of course this has to do with my questions on why Robbie was 'taken' at such a young age? When I hear of an older/elderly person dying, I think of how much of a life they got to live! How they got to see there children and even grandchildren grow up! All of their experiences.....
And I think of children who saw a few years of life, or younger people who never saw their children grow up. I think of children who have no mommy or daddy anymore. I don't see any fairness in it at all. And does this mean these younger people (children or adults)didn't have enough people praying for them? Do we really think God wants these people to suffer and because not enough people prayed for them?
When we think of those circumstances, how can you NOT be live that God put us here (in His honor) and said I got to give these creations of mine free will. How can anyone who thinks we have a fair and loving God say...well, I guess it was just time for that child to return to God. It was God's will to let that young man/woman get cancer and die before their children grow up. it was God's will to have his car crash and leave behind a mother and her son....on their own?
If you have not experienced something like this, you have no right to say anything. And if you feel that you MUST say something, just say "I am sorry this happened to you" and leave it alone.
I know I am not the only person who has lost someone super important in their life. I also know that each person grieves differently.
I was asked by our group leader, that if he asked me to pray for his dying grandparent (older, sick, etc.) what would I do? So I answered honestly. I would say I would and in my prayers I would ask God to stop this person's suffering and if it is there time to go, please take them quickly. I was being honest....like I usually am.
At this point another person in the group, who has lost a loved one very close to them got offended. I will not write word for word what they said. They took my words as not being on their side and wishing death for them or their loved one. In addition, I was pretty much told I didn't know what it was like to loose a loved one or know what it was like to deal with watching someone suffer because they missed their loved one so much.
I let this person say what he/she needed to say. All the while, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I wanted to say "So, you think you are the only one in this room to loose someone close to you?". I wanted to say "Your dad/mom/sister (whichever) watched you grow up and even his/her grandchildren/nieces/nephews grow up....what about the ones who didn't have those experiences? Should their loved ones have prayed more?". I was angry. So upset to the point, I couldn't really talk after that. I cried at prayer.
I wanted someone in that room who knew "my story" to stand up for me and say "Look, Karen has lost someone. I understand her point of view. She didn't get to say goodbye. Her son didn't get to say goodbye". But no one did. And that upset me too. I guess when you are usually the one who stands up for themselves, nobody will do it for you when you don't.
And it hit me.
This person who spoke to me like I was a heartless bitch doesn't know me. And she doesn't need to. I control my responses. And I knew this person still hurts for his/her loss. I decided not to say anything to defend myself. I wasn't going to add fuel to the fire when he/she was already hurting just to make my point.
That is all that matters. I am hoping my experience that I am writing about can help someone who feels like this. That someone else who may think of responding to someone just to make sure that person knows they are wrong about something doesn't have to. You don't always have to set things straight, especially if it may hurt someone else.
God knows. I know.
So I let go.....
4 comments:
What I love about your posts, Karen, here and on fb is that they reveal just how aggressively you question and seek. It's obvious that you're pursuing Christ, that you're looking for a greater connection, and how exciting! I can't wait to see what your future holds. I think God will do great things with you because you are seeking Him, and He does not hide from us. When we look for Him, He makes Himself known.
I am so sorry for your pain (both through your loss and in your attempts to express and share with other Christians).
A couple of thoughts: 1)I hate it when people say: "There's a reason for everything," because--even if there IS--we can't understand it this side of heaven. So how frustrating. When things happen that hurt me, I take solace, instead, in Romans 8:28...that God will work all things (even the bad things!) to my good because I love Him and have been called according to His purpose. What that tells me is that He can make something beautiful even out of the most horrendous mess, and I find myself in those, often. 2)Prayer is about relationship, and that's what God wants. Yes, Jesus gave us a formula w/ the Lord's Prayer, but I think it's about more than, "Thank You," and, "Will You please." It's about, "Here I am. I love You. Show me, teach me, direct me." It's about yielding and really allowing God to direct your path. It's about walking side by side. 3)I truly understand what you were trying to say regarding the death of an elderly person b/c my gramma is 93 and suffering w/ Alzheimer's, and I don't want her to suffer. I want her to have a new body and a new mind. But I love her and grieve, already, my separation from her. I am not at a point of praying for her to die, and I really don't want anyone else to pray for that, either. What I pray (and would ask you to pray) is that she will slip into the arms of Jesus at the time that is best for her AND those who love her most.
Blessings to you, Girl! Call me anytime!
It's interesting how people process their pain in different ways, isn't it? I think about how some folks are able to move beyond their pain (though it may never leave them) and move forward with their lives, and others just get stuck. What we pray for and how we pray on their behalf differs, because what they really need differs.
I'm proud of you, Karen. I leave each week just marveling at what God is doing inside of you, through you. I smile at the way that God will use you to change the lives of many people. I really believe that.
proud of you and thankful for you today,
Brian
After watching both my mother and father die agonizing deaths I can honestly say I think your prayer is perfect. I have a sister though who still won't talk to my aunt for saying about the same thing you did when my mother was in pain and dying. Instead my sister and stepdad (and church) spent every waking hour over my mother in a coma praying for a miracle instead of praying for her to go onto heaven and have peace. I kept my own mouth shut but the way good christians act even during death was shocking to me. I was so conflicted by the whole "pray for a miracle" instead of "pray for peace" because after all...my mother was a devote christian and would be going home to meet God...isn't that the end goal that christians are seeking? Not for our own selfish reasons of being the ones left behind.
I could barely set foot in church after watching it all play out (way more to the story) but in the end the lesson I learned was that true believers do not fear death as an end...it is nothing more than a beginning. The folks who fear it most and become irrational about something as simple as how someone else prays are not reading the same book as I am and are very unsure of whether there is an afterlife and forget that death is hardest on the living....IMO.
Hugs and try not to let this gal get to you...sounds like she is in the middle of feeling like the only person in the world to have ever lost someone. One day she may snap out of it and realize that the exchange for the gift of love is indeed the pain of loss. There is a ying and yang to it all. Without pain we may never truly appreciate the people we have and days/moments we love and savor.
I agree with Brandee’s comment that we will not fully understand some things this side of heaven. I do completely understand what you are saying by praying for no suffering if it is someone’s time to go. With that being said I have struggled with praying for someone who wants a promotion or different job when I know so many people that are completely unemployed and struggling. I do say a pray that God show each of them the right path but I struggle with it. Prayer for me is talking to God – someone compared it to sitting in your dad’s lap and just spending time with him. I know I need to do it so much more than I do but I am trying not to only pray when there is a need. The Bible does say to pray continually and so I say little quick ones all throughout the day. I, too, struggle with understanding accidents and illnesses and violent crime. I understand the free will that God gives everyone but what about the victims – where was their choice of free will? This is where I believe faith comes in . . .on things I do not understand I just admit I don’t get it and know my faith will stay planted even still. People don’t know a lot of my story and at times I do want to scream when someone is quick to judge saying you just don’t understand but then I try to take a deep breath and ask myself is causing turmoil going to solve anything. We don’t fully understand each other’s circumstances because no 2 situations are exactly the same (they might be similar but not exactly the same). I also admit that I judge others much more than I should. This is something that I am continually trying to work on. I am proud of you for waiting and then being able to talk to Martin about it. As for your friends not standing up for you just remember that you are in good company because Jesus’s friends didn’t stand up for him either – they even denied knowing him. So just say a quick prayer that God just open up their hearts to understand things a little better. I thank you for always being so willing to put yourself out of your comfort zone and ask questions that so often we are “afraid” to ask for fear of not looking like we know it all. I admit I don’t know it all and that is part of the walk with Christ – we learn along the way and when we trip and fall – it is still ok because we are forgiven and still loved.
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