You Can't Pretend with a Chaytor....

Proverbs 22:6 (New International Version, ©2011)

6 Start children off on the way they should go,
and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

This is the passage used for today's message at PCC; the 2 part series is called "How To Ruin Your Kids".

Now, as I walk down my road of learing God's word and becoming an active Christian, I love hearing about how we can turn to the Bible for answers on EVERYTHING. The ignorant, old me use to think the Bible was only used for certain aspects of life, not everyday things like parenthood. Shoot, I am always reminded by Kelley or Kristy (ladies in my first small group ENUF) of how I asked "Why do we always study the Bible, can't we read something else to learn about God?). I was obviously wrong. So, I do enjoy hearing other Christian's opinions on where and how to apply the Bible. They are teaching me how to use His word everyday of my life. That is one of the main reasons I love my church. That and (to me and many others) my church and the people in it are REAL. The leaders we look to to help us follow Christ are real and they don't pretend they are perfect. And that is one thing I believe draws people to my church.

ok, so back to today's message...

One way we can ruin our kids is to pretend that everything is ok, all the time, and that grown ups don't have conflict. Here is the link to the message if you would like to hear all of it and I suggest that you do...cause it's a good message:

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/14407794


So you have to have heard the message to understand my post here. I titled it "You Can't Pretend with a Chaytor"....cause trust me, he will call you out on it for days...weeks sometimes...
Now you must keep this in mind, my post is on my experiences with my son. I only have one (out of the womb) so far. My son is different, but also very similar to other children sometimes. So I am not saying my experiences only happen to me. Maybe your children also gave you these experiences as well.

As I listened to Brian speak this morning, I thought of how it all applied to Martin and me and our relationship with Chaytor. (as I am sure every parent listening thought the same thing about their children and their realtionships with them). First thing he touched on was do not pretend you and your spouse or partner or whomever is another adult in your child's life has NO CONFLICT. In other words, do not pretend everything is peachy keen in life all the time when it comes to adult relationships. Brian did make it clear that if your conflict handling skills are cursing, yelling, throwing things, and/or hitting...then you need to get more help and yes, those ways should not be exposed to your children.
But if you and your partner have differences on something, it's ok for your children to know some of them. If your kids think his or her parents are in a perfect relationship and never disagree, then you are teaching them the wrong things. When they grow up and start having adult relationships, they will find out that they will disagree and maybe even argue over somethings. You need to prepare them on how to handle those times. How to handle the feelings they may have, how to communicate with the person they are having the disagreement with and in a mature, non-yelling fashion. We are to teach them how to apply Christ's ways to every part of life, including hard times with the ones we cherish the most.
We need to teach them that everyone can say "I'm sorry". That everyone (adult or child) will make mistakes in their life and how to apply what we learned from those mistakes so we try not to make them again.
This is where Chaytor came in. For those of us who live with Chaytor and spend a lot of time with him, we know how he doesn't always quite get the whole "adults tell kids what to do so they don't get hurt, or that they do the right things at the right time, etc.". And let me just tell you if you have not experienced that conversation with him, you better get ready to sit down for some length of time. Do not start one of these conversations with him if you are in a rush or need to get somewhere. You will be super late and have to deal with a possible major break down...

So, here was my take on Brian's message of pointing our kids in the right direction: Chaytor pointed me in the right direction.

Yeah, he changed me.

I know our kids teach us lessons, but my kid changed me completely. And I know God used Chaytor to do that for me. For my good and my benefit.

Here is what He did for me though my son (oh, wow!! I just made that connection: God used His son to change the world and He used MY son to change me...ok, tissue needed here for me now)

1. I had NO PATIENCE. I have so much more now than I could ever imagine. I have to! If I loose my temper with Chaytor, he gets very upset and everything STOPS until we have resolved our conflict. I'm not exaggerating here. He will stand there with tears in his eyes, lip quiver, and ask "Why you being mean to me?". If I continue to be stern or angry with him, it only gets worse. You have to stop what you are doing, sit down with him and talk it all out. And you will not walk away until you apologize for speaking mean to him.
Now, I know some of you reading this maybe like "excuse me? You let your kid walk all over you". Think what you want, but you don't live with Chaytor. And we do hold our ground on rules in this house. But we don't do it with anger and yelling. We respect each other, including us respecting our 7 1/2 year old son's feelings. We talk about WHY we have certain rules and why we need to listen to adults. We talk about how he feels when others do not listen to him.

2. I lived for me. I did what I wanted, when I wanted to do it. I didn't expect a kid to "take that away from me". That freedom we experience after childhood and before our own parenthood. That freedom was so nice. But what a gift this is- parenthood!! Having a child takes a lot, but it gives you back so much.

3. I learned that I should say I'm sorry. You may already know this one. But it's not what it sounds like. I learned that if my words or actions hurt someone, I should apologize. I should tell them that it was not my intention to hurt them. If it was my intention, then I need to get my act together and stop being mean. Jesus tells us to treat each other like we would want to be treated (did I say that correctly?). So even if I am steaming at something, I have got to restrain myself.

IT IS NOT MY JOB TO JUDGE SOMEONE AND BE THE ONE WHO TEACHES THEM THEIR LESSON!

Now, let's be real....it has gotten easier, but it can still sometimes be hard. (see previous post on prayer in which I restrained myself, even with my heart pounding out of my chest) LOL

You see, if you raise your voice or show a stern face at Chaytor, you will eventually have to tell him you are sorry. He will apologize to you and then say "now it's your turn to apologize to me". He learned this at school; to take turns apologizing.....We also have to talk about why we are apologizing. Both sides take turns at this.

And be prepared to discuss this situation for awhile...he is my little Rain Man...memory is amazing, he forgets nothing. He brings up situations from years ago and I'm not kidding. But he states it as if it happened yesterday:"You remember when you got angry at me and yelled at me for sitting on the dog?".....or "Why did you get mad at Maggie (one of the dogs) yesterday? (and then he answers himself) for pooping in the den?"...and that happened when she was a puppy....3 1/2 years ago...

So, he will call you out on it...just be ready!

He taught me to slow down. He taught me to say NO to things, cause one day might be your last with someone and you CAN'T GET THAT TIME BACK- EVER. He taught me what pure, real love is. He reminds me of the innocence we use to have. When he smiles (especially when he is playing outside- favorite thing to do) you can see pure joy in him.
And I pray, I pray with all my heart, he can always keep that joy in him. And I will do what it takes to keep it with him.

So I will take this wonderful opportunity God entrusted to me to point Chaytor in the right direction.....because that is what Chaytor did for me.