Depression & Funerals

Today was a very emotionally exhausting day. First was PCC....2nd service in a unit on "The Way Out". Last Sunday was about addiction. Today was on depression.
So, where to start.....
I am always happy/relieved/"shocked" (a little) with a pastor who really shares his life with his congregation. Brian Hughes is so......awesome.....wonderful.....real. He shared his battle with depression with us. And I don't know why, but as usual, I was in a little awe that he experienced depression. The statistics he read to us were amazing...97% of all Americans experience some form of depression. Funny thing is, I can visualize Brian "depressed". I think about all the "issues" he deals with. I know he is not the only one in the service of PCC who is there for others, lending a hand or an ear to. Can you imagine his mind....constantly thinking, praying, and worrying about others. He ran himself out. I understand that. He burnt himself out. He was suppose to be the strong one, he is not allowed to be weak. His body was telling him to slow down!
I sat in church thinking "At least he got to lie down a little. He didn't have a 3 year old crying and needing him to get up because he was the only parent there". And then it hit me....Chaytor was my savior at that time. Without Chaytor, I may have never gotten out of bed. But Chaytor also kept my mind off of Robbie's death. Accept when I was dealing with his temper tantrums, lack of sleep....I was so angry I was left to deal with a special needs child, I had so much anger in me.

I remember my first private meeting with Brian to discuss my "faith" issues and what I was looking for in PCC. When he revealed to me that he and Susan got pregnant before they were married, I was floored. I didn't know what to say! (and that's a big deal for me.) And I know why I was in shock.....
He was a minister, a pastor, a man of God....how could someone I was suppose to look up to in my journey of faith have sinned like that! How was I suppose to walk in the light of the Lord with a leader like that. I was quiet and sat there saying nothing. And I know why....I use to be the first to speak my judgemental mind and tell people that was wrong and I was brought up to KNOW that that was unacceptable. But how do you tell your minister that he sinned SO BIG?
And that was my first conscious lesson in that we are all human. No one is better than the other. And God is a forgiving God. And Brian and Susan were still blessed with a beautiful child.

Depression runs in my family and I have been dealing with it a lot lately. Since before Robbie's death. I've dealt with issues of never feeling truly happy . And I thought I was weak. I rarely ever showed it.
I remember the day after Robbie's accident. Chrissy, Josh, and the girls were coming home to Ptown for us to celebrate Mary Kathryn's birthday. It just so happened that they were coming that weekend anyway and Robbie's accident was the day before- September 20, 2006. That is why i will never forget MK's birthday.
Anyway, friends kept stopping by my parent's house to see us and Chrissy (my sister) pulled up just as some other friends pulled up. I remember meeting MK and Paige outside of the car and having a big smile on my face. I was very happy to see my nieces. One friend said to me "I can't believe you are ok! I would be a mess." I just hugged my nieces...I was happy to see them.
The point of that story was to share that I have been seen as a "strong woman" for a long time, even before Robbie's death. But especially after Robbie's death.
But I am human. I am weak at times and strong at times.
So here goes the weakness:
The accident happened at about 10:45 pm September 20, 2006. I stayed up all night. I remember i must have gone to the bathroom over 20 times that night. My body was reacting to the news. But no crying. Shock. Confusion. Reality had not set in. I was in the doctor's office as soon as it opened the next morning. Certain people believed I needed to be on medication ASAP. I just did was I was told. I remember telling the Doc. not to put my on anything too strong. I wanted to remember all of this. I didn't want to be so drugged up and I didn't know what was going on. So I was put on 2 meds. I believe it was an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety. I think.
I remember crying only at certain times: receiving Robbie's wedding ring back at the funeral home, picking out my husband's casket, walking into his memorial service, at the funeral when they showed the slide show, and defiantly at the burial site when I was handed his flags that laid on his casket.
I remember sitting there thinking "STOP.LOOK AROUND. REMEMBER. THIS IS YOU. NOT A MOVIE. YOU. " I wanted to know reality......so I could hurry up and heal and get over it. I didn't think about it like that. But now I know.
I don't know if the mourning I still deal with is because I really didn't feel anything that weekend. Maybe it was because I was drugged....or happy to see friends I hadn't seen in years...or in shock....I will never know. It's not an experiment that I can say only ONE thing contributed to this.
I'm not a sad person. I hate being sad or upset. I usually have a smile on and I have the loudest laugh...I even snort when I laugh. So, I didn't want to be sad. I loved hanging around people I hadn't seen in a long time. It felt like Robbie was away at 2 week National Guard training. Not dead.
I didn't have faith at that time. I didn't have any comfort from the Lord (I now know He was there is some form, but I didn't see it). Once the 3 day weekend events were over. I tried to go straight back to "normal life". I did take 3 months off work. Robbie and I were in the middle of building a new house and the builder was being a bum! We had just started Chaytor's testing with OT/Speech with Children's Hospital....single parenthood. In other words I always had a project to do. It kept my mind off of reality....
Events went on for a long time....all the way to May for Cop Week in D.C.(National Police Week), Chesterfield, State Police, and Virginia events for Cop Week. Then there was the trial.
Then it all stopped. Suddenly I felt very alone. I started "dating" too early to try to fill that void, but it only caused me more pain and hurt.
So, I still deal with depression. But I am managing it. I have a great support system and a really cool counselor.

So, I understand that "it shows weakness" and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I still don't want anyone feeling sorry for me....that's just me. That will never change. But its not weakness....it's human.
My path with God has shown me more help and hope that anything. I agree with Brian- meds can be necessary. But showing your weakness to God and your friends/family is a huge step. You need people who really love and care about you around. And if you are going to judge that person dealing with depression, maybe you should step back off. I'm trying to say that if you, yourself don't understand depression, it may be hard for you to help.
I remember one of my first services at PCC. Brian spoke of being a good listener. You don't always have to respond, but just listen. If this is you, the person who doesn't understand depression...maybe this is what you need to do. And suggest to your friend/family member that they need help and assistance from someone who does understand.

Today was my first funeral since Robbie's. Kayle McCallister's mom passed away. I taught Kayla last year. My co-teacher and friend, Caryn, was there. She asked me "How many funerals have you been to since Robbie's?" I thought for awhile and realized this was the first.
It was hard, to see Kayla and knowing what she and her family are going through and how much this will effect EVERYTHING for the rest of her life. She's 17 and her mother is not on Earth with her anymore. I pray that she can heal.

I know this post was long and a little ADD, but I am tired. I'm going to bed now.
Good nite and God Bless.