This has been in my mind for awhile. We started a new series in small group called "Why Worry?". Last Tuesday we watched the first of the video series and was a little irritated. Most of it had to do with Chaytor that night and I took it out on the series, but it still has always been something I don't understand. I got the point that we still need to do all we can ourselves to "control" what we can in our lives. The speaker talked about not worrying about things IF we know we've done everything we can and put the rest up to God.
Then on Sunday, Brian continued with the same message. This is hard for all of us with the economy the way it is and all that. We pray and ask God to help with all of our issues and lots of people are still getting laid off, losing their homes, credit getting ruined because they can't pay their bills, etc. Illnesses still occur and people are dying of cancer and other diseases. Accidents happen to good people and children die everyday from starvation, illness, and "bad" people. It's hard to believe that a God who loves us so much would allow these things to happen. Now I do understand that God does not control everything and evil does exists.
I don't worry so much about the little things anymore and my little things are not the same as everyone else's and vice versa. But I can't help but believe that what happens in our lives is mostly under our control. God doesn't pay my bills, he is not up with my son all night and then have to go to work the next day. That is where I fall short in faith. I am still stuck at the God created us (not creationism, but Big Bang and evolution- sorry, just the way it is with me) and that's about it. I know this will offend some of you, but it's how I feel.
Where are these miracles that the Bible speaks of? Why did he make himself so evident then and not now? I don't see it and I don't see/feel him in this world. I still see life through a scientific view.
Now, I'm not saying I will stop "looking" for him. But with everything that has happened in my life, I fail to see him STILL! I go to an awesome church with amazing people and I am hoping this will continue to help me in my journey....but what if I don't believe, what then? Do I stop going to church and my small group, do I have to lose that connection I do love so much.
I remember the post I wrote about feeling his love and how overwhelming it was. I haven't felt that in a long time. I only see what I can do in my life and I have no trust that a God will help with everyday things. Maybe I am looking at it in the wrong way? Maybe I don't get the big picture yet?
My friend Caryn Rehme and I have conversations about this a lot. She has a very strong faith. She told me that she CHOSE at the age of 24 to believe. She says it is a choice. Once you make it, you stick to it. I asked her why? She said it made her feel at peace. So I asked her "Don't you think that that is kinda selfish? To believe only because it makes YOU feel better and at peace?". I honestly don't remember her answer. I think I was caught up in my question.
But isn't kinda selfish? I chose to believe so I can feel better? Now I am not putting Caryn down, I know that sounds odd, but I am not. I admire this woman more than anyone I know. She is awesome. I just don't get it.
Here is an example. I sit here on my bed as Chaytor plays in my bathtub. He is home sick today with a cold and pink eye. I think he has called my name every 2 minutes if I am not in the room with him. Now this is not because he is sick, he does it all the time. If I want any peace and quiet ever I have to get a sitter or take him to his grandparents house. This is constant and I feel my temper rise with every "MOM"- even though he knows I am in the very next room. God is not here. God is not going to come down and give me a break from my son. He is never going to knock on my front door, tell me I know you need a break and you do such a great job. He is never going to do that for any mom.
Now some of you may say "you're right, but he will send friends and family to help". Now friends and family do help occasionally. They help because they are nice or feel obligated. I'm sorry, I just don't believe he helps us in our everyday life.
What he says is if follow me and once you die, then you have eternal life.
Yes, it's obvious I am not in the best of moods, but isn't this when your suppose to lean on him. I bet you everything If I pray....please help me through this day with patience, it won't happen because I prayed. I HAVE TO CHOSE TO BE PATIENT, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GOD.
I believe things happen because I make them happen, not because I prayed. Maybe one day that will change. I told Caryn I felt like I was going backwards in my journey. She said that it was OK and that it is a part of the journey. She also said, you may just not believe (again, I believe in God, just not that he has a say in our everyday life) and that is who you are. And that is where I am now.
5 comments:
I know I have said this before..but I am very proud to know you. You are taking all of your quandries and whys and asking all of the questions that so many are afraid to ask. Keep asking and digging, girl. Know that whatever doubt, anger, disbelief, or question you have... you, Karen Green, are still loved.. by God and by me. xoxo
You have a good friend in Caryn. She's helping you to embrace your journey instead of trying to answer all of your questions, which is the tendency that most of us have (including me). I so want for you to KNOW that God is there with you, present, aware, and encouraging. But telling you won't help. You will have to wrestle, struggle, and encounter God.
So, my encouragement to you is simply to not give up. Keep asking these hard questions. Keep seeking God out on them. He's not trying to hide from you, Karen. He wants you to know him as a 'very present help in times of trouble' (see Nahum 1:7).
I echo Kelley's sentiment - I am so proud of you. Persevere and know that we are standing with you on this journey. We are family.
Your not alone, shoot how do you think you have a shred of sanity to make it through those "MOM!" calls? We could trade a kid, you could take one of mine and just see how sneaky and quite they get, then you'll see just how greatful you are for all those questions!
I definately understand needing a break, but I don't expect to see a knight in shining armor with a note from Jesus standing at my apt and 2 carseats waiting to take my kids. Do I dream about it ... hmmm YES!!!
Just always know that we love you, and you have a special little boy who loves you so much. And if you need a break, you can always call on us, heck he would love to drag Max around by the tail!
Echoing others; I'm absolutely positive that you're okay asking these questions, wrestling with your faith and your doubts. You're unwilling to accept a shallow version of faith in a weak or wimpy God. I think that's admirable.
I will tell you, though, what struck me most about your post here; the example you gave about Chaytor. See, I think sometimes we get derailed because we struggle with walking away from our expectations or erroneous understanding of who God is and why he is. At least I know that was true for me, for YEARS. I fought to understand things that just didn't make sense...until my paradigm shifted just slightly.
My point: you use Chaytor's need and constant demand for you as an example of your own need to have a break - and boy, do I understand THAT! You say, "I think he has called my name every 2 minutes if I am not in the room with him. Now this is not because he is sick, he does it all the time."
Here's what occurs to me, from a different perspective: Why does your child call to you constantly? He's not TRYING to annoy you. He wants to know you're there. He needs you. Maybe he's scared. Maybe he just doesn't feel good. Maybe he's just bored.
And why do you answer? Why don't you just leave? Why don't you lock the bedroom door, turn up the volume on the TV and ignore him?
Because you're his mom, and you're a good mom. A loving mom. You were part of what created him and you care for him. So you listen and you wait and you have patience with his childish ways and trust that he'll grow and mature.
And what I see in that story is a God, a good God, a loving God. A God who created you and cares for you, who listens and waits and has patience with our childish ways and lack of trust and struggles, who knows that we're on the right road to maturity and wisdom.
And I think that, like Chaytor, you - and me and all of us - have to keep trusting in what we can't see or understand, depending on the faith that we have - no matter how big - that Somebody is there. And that means that we have to keep REACHING and CALLING and ASKING and LISTENING. Sometimes he'll correct us, sometimes he'll care for us. Sometimes he'll let us fall down.
But he'll always be there.
You are awesome, Karen, and it is a privilege to witness your spiritual journey. Thanks for being so open and honest...
Much love and prayers -
Instead of having one child who calls my name every 2 minutes, I have 5 who take turns (or on occasion ALL NEED something at the SAME TIME) I'm with you on NEVER getting a break unless the kid(s) are not in the house. But I think God helps me to find peace IN the crazy household. He helps me Not lose my temper (as much). He helps remember what kind of Mother I want and should be to my kids because ultimately if I can strive to love my kids as he loves us, I can't do any better than that.
I think the only reason I have such a sense of peace in my life is BECAUSE I believe. But the peace comes through the relationship with Christ, not just the statement of belief or a single prayer.
Sorry you had a rough day!! You know you can always drop Chaytor off at my house! What's one more boy!
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