Nightmares

The other night I had a terrible nightmare. The kind you wake up and you can't breathe or you still think you are in your dream and you shake your head to clear it all out. I tried to "figure out" why I dreamt about what I did and I know why. Part of me thinks someone was trying to tell me something.
DREAM:
I was in a small conference room at a jail. My Dad and two sisters where there (one didn't look anything like my sister, but I knew it was suppose to be her). Anyway, I was about to be put to death by lethal injection. But it wasn't like I was strapped down on a bed with an audience (like you see in the movies). Just kneeling on the floor with my Dad and sisters. I was begging him to make them stop. (Oh, there were two other people in the room with their family, doing the same thing). I was crying hysterically. I asked where Chaytor and my Mom were? Dad said Chaytor isn't allowed back here and Mom can't take it.
The guard handed me a dirty school like paper towel for an alcohol swab; told me to rub it on the inside of me arm so I wouldn't get an infection. I was like WHAT, you're putting me to death and you don't want me to get an infection?
The guard started to walk towards me with a needle and I couldn't stop begging my Dad to make it stop. They expected to have you just lay on the floor and die while your family watched.
I was scared. I've never felt like that, ever. I thought I would never have a problem going peacefully like lethal injection, ya know- no pain, no blood, etc. BUT I COULDN'T DO IT. I just shook as I begged my Dad.
I didn't want to leave Chaytor and I actually thought "I'm not completely right with God, yet!". I tried to tell myself that I would be at peace and actually see Robbie again, but that didn't make me feel any better.
Now, I had read earlier that day in a COPS Newsletter (Concerns of Police Survivors) about people who had killed police officers and their updates on court cases. Several had been put to death by lethal injection (so I know where the dream came from). As I read the updates, I couldn't help but think how weird it was to read it. Knowing the man/woman who killed their loved one is now dead because of their actions- does that really bring them peace?
The man Robbie was helping to chase was dismissed from the charges of having anything to do with Robbie's accident. It didn't anger me, just confused me when it happen. Bobby Beasley explained it to me later. He felt terrible, like he had tried so hard to convict him and it got thrown out of court. I told Bobby that day in the court room that he did his best and it was OK. (I even gave him a big kiss on the lips and thanked him!) But as I read those updates, I was thankful that Robbie was in a car accident and not shot or something like that. I think I was able to not hold a grug as much because it was indirect. I don't know how I would feel about it, I am sure I would be angry. I don't have that anger. I never did. We don't know what really happen on why Robbie ran off the road, the camera on the car cut off right before it happened. Maybe it was car trouble, maybe a deer ran out in front of the car? There were a lot of deer out that night, we passed so many on our car ride to Jean and Charlie's house at midnight. We will never know- but one fact does remain- Robbie wouldn't have been in a pursuit if the guy had not run! So as I write this, I guess I do hold some emotions about why? Its a hard matter to deal with sometimes.

Anyway, back to the dream. It let me know that I have so much more to learn about God and that my new journey is not complete. I don't think it is ever suppose to be complete, ya know?
I know I just had the dream a few nights ago, but I think of it often. It really "fits in" with the last thing PCC did- "Thirty Days to Live". Live each day like it is your last and treat people like its the last time you will see them. Chill Out and relax with your family and friends- one of them (if not you) may not be there tomorrow. Look, I know its hard to do that with work, money, all that stuff, but think about it.......what if your were NOT here tomorrow?

Which brings me to another ? (Brian, don't think you or anyone else can answer this) What happens IF I ever meet someone I actually fall in love with and maybe even marry? What is that gonna be like in Heaven when I see Robbie again? I had a child ask his dad that once and it was about me and his dad. I never thought about it, kids are sooooo smart!!