First, let's address the autism thing. I have been reading more of the Mother Warriors book. As I read about these other moms (and one dad) I remember some of Chaytor's behaviors- light flicking, cabinet slamming, temper tantrums, etc. When each behavior started, I hated each one, but became aware that they calmed him in some way. I became use to it, so they didn't bother me as much. But in public, I felt like I had to explain them, the behaviors embarrassed me. Once I accepted Chaytor for who he was, I was a much calmer mom. I learned how to work with the behaviors and how to reduce the temper tantrums. I still use these skills to help us through our day.
Now, when I meet people and Chaytor is with me, I sometimes explain that Chaytor has high functioning autism. I am not telling them so they feel sorry for me or to try to explain his behavior. I speak because I want people to see and know that autism is all around us. I want others to be informed as well and to spread the word that there is hope out there. We need people to understand that it can be worked with. In addition, I want others to help spread the word that these biomedical/diet treatments work. They have to be individualized to the child and not all aspects of the treatment work for all autistic kids. BUT there is hope and help. So talk about this to others.
The vaccine issue is a little harder to deal with. No one wants their kid to get sick and if you can help prevent it, why not. BUT there are a lot of parents out there that can actually tell you when their child started regressing and they blame it on the vaccines. And that is what happened to them. I agree we need to "green our vaccines". But I do believe autism is a mixture of genetics, environmental toxins (including vaccines with mercury and/or thimerosal), and food allergies. Read up on the gluten/casein stuff.
Chaytor is doing great and has hit cognitive milestones that I never thought he would!! I actually enjoy being with him now. He is a cool kid!
Second, my search for understanding God:
I went to the PCC 101 class last night and it helped me open my eyes a little more in my search for understanding God (the best that we can, at least). I met a range of people who were all searching for something, most of them a new church. They already had faith, they were just looking for a place they felt most comfortable to practice that faith.
We started the introductions and it got to me. I tried not to talk too much, but you know me, that's hard! I let it out. I said I don't get this and I have so many questions. And then I started stating my questions. I know I had to offend some of them in that room. I talked about the Gnostic Gospels and not understanding/knowing how to "give myself" to God, what is that? I spoke of proof and science. I spoke of my belief in evolution, well more like Intelligent Design, it was mentally draining. Good, but draining.
As I sat on my front porch last nite, contemplating all that was said and all my questions, I had a faith breakthrough. "GOD LOVES ME". That's all I could think about, I tried to think of other things but it just kept coming back to me and I got the biggest smile on my face. I felt happy and a sense of peace came over me. I thought "Is this what it feels like?". All my unanswered questions didn't matter anymore.I still have them, and maybe I will never know the real answers until I meet God, but I am ok with that. And I didn't need proof, I just felt it! It was/is wonderful. And I can believe in Intelligent Design and I don't have to be perfect, I just have to strive to live my life as a Christian and understand that I will make mistakes. Christianity is not a perfect thing, that is why we have forgiveness. I'm not saying I am going to go out and do bad things and then just ask God to forgive me and everything will be ok! But I can learn from my mistakes and follow the path better.
So I looked up and thanked God. I thanked him for my healthy life and my son and my friends and family. I praised him! and I will say it again: THANK YOU!!!!
I was just telling Amy about my semi awakening and I started to cry. Not a sad cry, but a relief that I felt that, that I am capable of feeling that peace.
I still have a long way to go with this journey, the rest of my life to be exact. But I now have the ability to know I want more from this, not just a research project!
Thanks PCC and to all that have supported my quest. I am blessed
6 comments:
Well, here I am just blubbering like an idiot.
Your words made me cry. I remember the moment that I had that same 'awakening' - that I realized that God loved me. It was overwhelming.
It's even more overwhelming to see it happen in someone else's life.
I'm so happy for you...and I'm here for you, if there's anything I can do for you...
Ok - so you made me cry too! I felt the same way last year when I started going to Red Lane's contemporary service. You know me - high strung worry wart. Stress was beginning to take over until I started going to church and believing that there is something more and little things really don't matter. And the best of all - there is someone out there that loves me more than I'll ever know. I still have 101 questions, but I can feel and see the change in my life. It is amazing. Love ya and miss ya!
Karen Green...your openness and willingness to speak HONESTLY on how you feel is something that God is using to touch your life and so many others... I am speechless.. I feel like I need to write something profound right now because you coming to the realization that God loves you and that is enough is just....well.... it is just "it". But I have nothing to say except... I love you, too and love Him, too and am more thankful than ANY words could say that you have joined our group, that we are getting to be a part of Chaytor's life, and that I am getting to call you my friend. What a gift. love love love love love you....
Karen,
You are on the verge of an all out, full blown transformation in your life. Paul once wrote "What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!"(2 Cor. 5:17, NLT). I know you still have questions to and things to reconcile. But your the story you shared is a truth that did not come from you...it came from God. He really does love you. He wants you to konw Him. And you are well on your way to something dramatic, transformational, and indescribable! I'm looking forward to reading more about the days ahead. Thanks for sharing.
Brian
Karen,
My name is Jackie and I attend PCC. I found your blog by way of Beth and I am intrigued and excited to read your honest posts about God and faith. I also happened to stumble upon pictures of my cousin Mike and his wife Renee on your blog so I am assuming they are friends of yours! Small World.
I know I could never even attempt to answer all of your questions...which is a GOOD thing not a BAD thing because the journey with Christ is PERSONAL. Just like others have said, it is more about the journey WITH Him than someone telling you all ABOUT Him. We will never know all there is to know about Him while here on the earth. Sometimes when life hits or I have doubts, I often say to myself..."can't wait to ask God that one" and that is enough for me. Yes, that is where faith comes in but more than that--it is because I TRUST Him. He has proved Himself to me over and over therefore I trust Him. Just like I trust the sun to rise every morning..I trust Him-with my questions, with my fears, with my insecurities...EVERYTHING. God has been doing "God" things forever. He's good at it. And I trust Him.
All this said, I am so refreshed to hear an honest and open "quest" for the things of God! Moreover, God is thrilled!!
To appeal to your biology and scientific background, I read a book about 10 or so years ago called "A Scientific Approach to Biblical Mysteries" by Robert Faid. I found this book fascinating! The author is a nuclear scientist who researched for 15 years to prove that science and the bible are total contradictions and what he personally discovered is that science proves biblical claims.
It is available on Amazon. Check it out and let me know what you think.
Thanks for sharing on your blog and Godspeed to you on your journey!
Karen,
I, like Jackie, do not know you but came upon your blog via Beth. I got caught up in reading about you and Chayton then, had to find out who Robbie was and what happened then, started to tell other people how awesome your blog was and your questions about faith and that you were brave and vulnerable enough to share them then, had to ask Krystal and Kelley if you were in their small group and attending then, when Brian prayed at the end of the first service I was praying for YOU then, I recognized you from your picture on your blog and had to tell my friend Cathy who I had told all about your journey then, I just got goose bumps because God does hear and answer our prayers. Whew, I am now out of breath. Welcome to PCC and God!
Susan Llyod (posted for her cause of technical frustrations)
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