A Reminder

Sometimes, you need reminders in life. Life can get busy. Many things come up and sometimes you forget about what is really important. You just get going and going. I hate that. I use to be so good at remembering things. I never had to write stuff down to remember it.

But now I do. I make little lists or jot notes down about things I need to remember- from a simple grocery list to what I need to do that day or who I need to call or email, etc.

But I left out a very important one. God.

And leaving Him off my list made me start to forget all the places He is in my life.

Who would think you have to write Him down? I mean, IT'S GOD!!! How do you forget Him.

I didn't really forget Him, but I forgot how to see Him in my daily life. I would read books about Him, about how to be closer to Him, about How to serve Him better...........

But that wasn't working. I love to read and I love to read about God or even Christian Fiction - so how was I forgetting where He was showing up in my daily life?

Easy- I was looking for a way to get out of this "valley" that I feel I have been in and I wanted an easy way out. I wanted someone to tell me "All you have to do is _________".

There. Done. Out of my valley.

Not so. I was trying so hard to get out that I wasn't having a relationship with Him anymore. I was going through motions, but didn't have my heart and mind in it. I was over thinking.

So, I took a step and asked my friend Beth Stoddard to meet with me. I needed to talk. I needed to know what was wrong with me and I knew Beth would tell me. I look up to Beth like a mom figure and a good person to go to if I have a question. I also knew Beth would tell it to me like I needed to hear.

I will not retell our meeting- partly because we literally talked for 2 hours and 45 minutes, and if the restaurant wasn't closing, we may have stayed longer! But also because I see it as a very personal experience I had with her and it made our relationship stronger. It's kinda like "our secret". :)

What I will share is how powerful it can be to talk to someone with a strong faith to help you sort out your issues. Like a good pastoral care meeting, I ended up answering some of my own questions. I just needed someone to help steer me.

There were a few examples of where he was SO obviously there, but I didn't see Him. She helped point those times out to me. She listened very well, but I also point blank asked her things that I wanted to know her thoughts on.

1. I wanted to know what I should be doing while I am stuck in this valley?

2. How am I suppose to always be joyful to the Lord when I am so exhausted and there is so much grief and tragedy here on earth? Doesn't HE KNOW all this?

2. Why am I finding it hard to pray and does prayer really work?

Our discussion was wide and deep. Her answers made me think. Her suggestions for my troubles were very helpful.

And it all came down to: it depends. It all depends on so many different things and I have to determine how I am going to handle these questions. We had a lot more details to talk about, and I like that they are between us. It doesn't mean if YOU come to ask me the same questions, that I will say "Oh no, it's a secret!" You must realize that the answers for YOU will be different than the answers for me. Got it?

What I do know and I do not waiver from are the following:

1. There is ONE God and He made ALL.
2. He loves me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much that I can't even fathom it.
3. His son is Jesus and he is my Savior. He died for me and to save all man kind. It is through Him that I am saved and will be in heaven one day.
4. This is our temporary home.

Beth helped point out things that I didn't realize meant God was there, that I WAS having God moments. This one was the most profound to me with all the negative feelings I have had lately:

Sunday at PCC was one of those Sundays- if you go to church there, you know what I mean. One of those "Brian!!!!!! Could you please warn me to bring tissues next time!!!!!!" Sundays.

Brian Hughes, our Senior Pastor, spoke about faith. You see, in the book of Hebrews there is a list of people who showed so much faith in their lives that they made the "Faith Hall of Fame". There is one woman listed (I think there should be many more, but that is a different blog); her name is Rahab. The woman listed is a prostitute. Yup, you read it right; a woman who sold her body for money was on the list of showing amazing faith. You should read the whole story in Joshua 2. You will find the list of the names for the "Faith Hall of Fame" in Hebrews 11(specifically 11:31 for Rahab).

Here is a blog on it by Pastor Hughes:
http://powhatancommunitychurch.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-potent-but-risky-exercise-for-your.html

Here is where you can watch the message. You don't have to watch the entire service, but fast forward to the message. I strongly encourage you to listen carefully to the words in the song after he is done speaking.

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/33704113

This message hit me hard. Near the end I just remembering hearing how God uses us where ever we are. That we don't have to be perfect to come to Him. And when we repent, He gives us so much GRACE that we can't fathom it.
You see, I have had negative thoughts lately- not about God personally, but about people in this world and actions they commit, and people who hurt others, and storms that kill others..........and I felt guilty because I am not suppose to think that way. I am suppose to be joyful at all time and DANG IT that is hard!!!!!!!!!!!!
But this message reminded me that God still loves me and wants me to take HIS GRACE and hold onto it like my life depends on it...........which it does.
And then this song hit.

http://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=AnvVzExf8dILkf8iE4_v4iabvZx4?fr=yfp-t-900-s&toggle=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF-8&p=you%20are%20more%20tenth%20avenue%20north

 I have heard it before. I have listened to the words in the car. But not like this.
Listen. Listen good.

I was feeling guilt for not being joyful all the time. And that is a demon. It makes you think bad thoughts and feel so negative in life, and then you feel guilty because you are doing something you swore to yourself and God that you would never do again. I was sinning again- consciously. I would have fights in my head with myself "Stop I, Karen. you aren't suppose to feel this way. It's wrong. It's a sin to feel this way."
So I slipped backwards on my understanding of forgiveness and grace. And I felt I didn't deserve it. I was feeling the things I wasn't suppose to feel anymore and I was scared. How could He forgive me when I am doing something I know I am not suppose to do.

These are the words to the 2nd Verse:

Well she tries to believe it
That she has been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she has rehearsed all the lines
And so she will try to do better
But then she is too weak to try

And I lost it. I stood up in church and cried. Cause that is how I have been feeling about my relationship with God lately. But this song reminded me that I am given His GRACE. Always. Forever.

And Beth said "Karen, how can you say you feel that God is far from you? He was right there at that moment".

I needed someone to help me identify this moment. I've been so caught up in looking for Him that I missed the most obvious one. I was looking to hard. I was looking selfishly. (my #1 demon here)

So, maybe I will be in this valley for awhile or out in a short time or maybe here for a long, long time. God will use it to teach me. to test me. to humble me.

thank you, Beth. with all my heart.