the first Valley in my journey

When compared to some other Christians, I am pretty new to my faith. I chose my baptism in 2009 and really started taking it to heart- trying to walk the walk after that. This past year (like a school year, you have to remember as a former teacher, I still view the year as starting in September and ending in June) I started a new kinda Bible study- one I had never really done before. A friend invited me to Community Bible Study and it has changed me so much this year. Please understand this post is NOT in judgment; it's giving you an idea of what has been in my heart and head for awhile now.

The first semester of CBS was a study of the book of Deuteronomy, which summed up is about obedience. At the same time, Martin and my small group were studying a book called Crazy Love which is about how we are to be IN CRAZY LOVE with our Lord and that means following every word He says. SO you get the picture of how I had obedience all over the place in my head from September to December......and I felt the Spirit nudging the heck out of me the whole time. (You see I use to cringe at the word obedience, even made sure it was NOT in my wedding vowels).

I learned a lot from my sisters in Christ at CBS- and I hungered for it. I just wanted more, to know more, to know all I could about what I am suppose to be doing as a Christ follower. (Kayleigh Adams gets this here- "We want more, we really, really, like it...hahahaha).

It's a journey you see. For me, it finally started in my early 30s. I learned about the love Jesus has for us as HIS human race, the forgiveness, the way I am suppose to act, and I really learned about the love other Christians have for each other- the ones who really practice Jesus's teachings. That all are accepted as they are- to come to Christ as you are. And He takes you from there.

And then my teenager small group (thanks to the advice of Angie Frame, awesome mentor extraordinaire) who suggested we study Galatians. The one passage I had to teach was Galatians 5: 16-26

¹⁶ So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷ For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever^[c] you want. ¹⁸ But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
¹⁹ The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰ idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹ and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Did you notice 19 -21especially? Yup, that was mine alone. My friend Heather Wray helped me out and together we hit this one on hard. We listed the sins and defined them (they are all not what you think when you read them, especially orgy- its not just a sexual thing). But the kids really enjoyed the lesson (and not just because they got to say the word orgy (giggle) and get away with it). But it really opened their eyes to some of the ways evil can slip so easily into our lives. We let them think about where things like this are in their lives and just in the world in general. We had some good conversations that night and continued some of them as well later on individually. "Open The Eyes of My Heart Lord" always comes to mind here for me. My eyes were opened as well.

SO a "bug" of some sort got in me with all this teaching on obedience and sin in our lives. TO ME: it's not about just saying you love Jesus and following the 10 Commandments. There is so much to being a true Christ follower. And I decided I needed and wanted to know more in order to get it right. And that meant digging deeper. I thank my small group leader Jan Hildebrand for helping me out and some of the other ladies at CBS as well.

Make sure we have this clear now: I am learning and I do not always do as I should. I am not saying that. I am saying my eyes are open more and I am aware of things I use to think were innocent and now know how Satan can use them to slowly take over our thoughts and ultimately our lives if we let him.

All of this knowledge and eye opening made me rethink some situations and even some relationships I have with others.

So what happens when you start to feel so passionate about something and you want to tell all your friends "This is how we are suppose to behave!!!!" and add the BIG WHOPPER to it- total exhaustion since February with Russell- YUP..............I felt like I started to become the person who stands at the corner with the bullhorn telling everyone about it! and you are on a thin line of teaching and judging.

No- I didn't actually yell at others or anything like that, but it was in my head. I talked about it with other Christian friends that are in the same spot as me, wanting more and wanting to teach others the same thing.

But I started to notice I was starting to judge and I thought it wasn't judging. Again, a thin line. It is so hard not to judge others: from something as simple as their clothes or hair (mine is awesome by the way :) LOL!!! just kidding, but really- from criminals we see on the news, to headlines on magazines, to well, all of it.

And all of this, wrapped up with very little sleep since February, put me in a bad place. A place where I looked for evil where ever I went or at least tried to identify it. I was and still am reading books on how Satan and his demons wiggle their way in our minds. Yes, sounds odd or even crazy to some, but I do believe in Spiritual Warfare and I want to be alert and ready when I or my students are faced with something like this. If you don't understand Spiritual Warfare, you may not get this part, but those of you who do will understand I am putting on my Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20). Maybe its my spiritual gift???? not sure. Just want to be prepared.

SO I was starting to feel, oh how do you put it............I didn't feel like I belonged or fit it with some friends (Christian friends) that I had once felt like I did fit with. And instead of talking to a friend about it, I tucked it in, sucked it up and kept going. Even though I was screaming on the inside- the screaming had to do with total lack of good, healthy sleep and total exhaustion of being a mom to 2 high energy boys. All Moms-boys and girl moms, get this exhaustion. And sometimes you snap or bark at others when you are tired. And I did. And I knew it.

And a real friend stepped in and said "Hey, this behavior is not you. I should have asked you a long time ago what is going on and I didn't. I'm sorry. What can I do to help?".

I am not use to this response. I am use to someone pushing back or challenging me when I behave like this. I was stunned. I will honestly say I did not expect this response. I now know with my whole heart that Jesus changed this woman's life. This response was with love. SO much love. There were no other intentions in this question to me. And we talked. We sat down and really talked. I let my walls down about how I had been feeling and how I felt like I didn't belong somewhere I use to.
And I discovered something that is already helping my climb out of this valley I have felt "locked" in for months now.
My journey is continuing, I'm not stuck anymore.
Just this one conversation has lifted a weight off my shoulders that was so heavy I couldn't find the words to even pray some days. But I am praying again. Really praying. And meaning it.
I've kinda had to learn how to pray all over again. I even bought a Daily Devotional Journal that takes you step by step on your prayers. It's helped me to focus again and not just BLAHHHHHHHH it all over the place. But really think about what I want to say to God and focus on what I am thankful for again.
Thank you Chenoa for giving me a foot hold to climb out of this valley. I love you.