Friendship

For the last week or so, I have had a few moments come and go that make me question a friendship. Not just one friendship, but a couple of them. Each one is different. And with knowing that God forgives 99.9 % of our sins against Him (watch the PCC message from today if you want to know the .1% that makes that difference).....it has just made me wonder about the sins the friends have done against me. Now, when I re-read that last sentence, it sounds very selfish, doesn't it? What I mean to say is how many times do you let a friend 'do mean things' against you before you finally say 'I do not wish to have you in my life anymore'?
Don't get me confused here...I am not talking about not forgiving them...but to finally think 'I have forgiven this person many times and I have learned that they will continue to do this to me'. So I choose to forgive, but I have also chosen to not be friends with this person. It is not NOT forgiving, it's choosing to not have them in your life anymore.
And then I thought about how I usually post my blogs on Face Book and how I have added some of my former students as friends....so they will possibly read this. And maybe this is a lesson they have already learned or need to learn; that just because you "get older" doesn't mean that tests of friendship are non existing. You will have the same friendship tests throughout your life...it's how you deal with the lessons that determine IF you have grown up or not. You will find some people never grow up. They behave the exact same way that they did in high school. And my advice to you (former students) is to "move on" from those kinds of people. And to honestly take a good look at yourself and ask if you are still like that as well...if you are guilty, I challenge you to change.
So....here it goes....
I made a friend a few years ago (about 2 years ago, I think) and we got close quick. We were both single moms. We had some things in common...we both are pretty blunt about things, we were both on a journey with Christ, our kids got along wonderfully, etc. We use to do sooooo much together and talk every day.
Our friendship lasted about a year...not long compared to other friendships in my life, but I thought we were tight. And to my knowledge, so did she.
But things started to change. I started to change. When I first started attending PCC, I would go, listen, sing, all of it..but I didn't apply His word to my life. And I hit rock bottom in the Spring of 2009. Now, this friend was very there for me. We hung out even more as I started to get my life together. That summer of 2009 I really worked on my rethinking about my life and things started to change. I started doing my best to apply the lessons I was being taught at PCC to my life. In no way was I perfect, but I was starting to change. And I was so confused on how to handle the people in my life that were not a positive part of my life. And this was hard. How do you tell where you want to go? Does that make sense? It does to me.
Our friendship started to 'fizzle' out in January 2010. I had asked a woman who I looked up to to meet me for a talk. This is a female friend who I look up to very much and she knew me and this friend I was having issues with...so it was someone who saw both sides so I could get an honest answer. I explained the situation of how I didn't enjoy her company anymore but I felt bad since she had spent a lot of time with me and Chaytor. She had helped me take care of Chaytor when I needed time off. And I can honestly say I know she loved Chaytor like he was her own.
But our morals and ideals started to clash. I could list our differences here, but I don't think that would be fair or nice to do. It's not the point. The point is I changed.
So my friend tells me that as we change, sometimes we have to say goodbye to friends that aren't apart of our new selves. I agreed, but knew it would be hard to actually have this conversation with her. And how do I explain to Chaytor that we were not going to hang with her and her child anymore because I had changed?
But the conversation never actually happened. Several things occurred that split us before I could actually talk to her. I met Martin and yes, we started spending time together...time I use to spend with her. I tried a few times to invite her to join us, but she made it obvious she didn't want to be a third wheel. And I understood that....and I didn't have to explain why I was saying no to hanging out with her. So, I believe she blamed Martin for our split. But other things happened too....she went off on another co-friend of ours, she lied about coming to another co-friend of ours wedding...and then we all heard (there was a tight group of us as friends) her opinions of us and she even lied completely about me. So the result was it happened on its own.
But a few days ago, I received an email from her. It was apologizing for the way she said she "judged" me when our friendship fizzled out. I had not thought of her for some time. She wasn't around anymore. We never saw her. But then one day, she was back. I had heard the things she had said about me. Some were out right lies. Things that never happened at all. But over time, I forgave and yes, I forgot all about the lies. So, I had no problem answering her email telling her I had forgiven. But she said she missed me and Chay. But I don't miss her. I do not know if she has changed. But here is the thing, I am not willing to pull Chaytor back in to this friendship. He has asked several times since we stopped seeing her and her child "Why don't we talk to ***** anymore?" and if you know Chaytor, you know he will continue to ask until he gets an answer and after he gets an answer he still brings it up over and over again. So at first I told him that we were just really busy and so were they.
And then one day he tells me that her child said things to him like "God doesn't love you when your bad" and other things you do not tell a child...especially an autistic child who never forgets anything....he also told me other things I do not like. So, I will not drag him into this again. It took me so long to re-teach him that that was not true.
So I answered very short and simple...all was forgiven and I wish you well.
But is that good enough? Does she really think I have forgiven her if I don't care to be friends anymore? Does it matter if she believes me or not?
Cause you see, we now see her and her child one day a week....so Chaytor is now constantly asking me again why I do not talk to her anymore?.....it was so easier when we didn't see them. (duh)
So, there is a part of me that wonders if she really, truly knows that I have forgiven her? Does it matter? It does to me. But am I willing to confront her about it..no. I don't want to have to say "Yes,I have truly forgiven you, but I don't care to re-kindle our friendship". I do want to ask her if she apologized to all the other co-friends she did wrong to? Not just me.
So, you see, we (adults) deal with some of the same issues you younger people do. Somethings do not change. But how you react and behave should. I admit, I wanted to write a long email about how I heard what she had said about me and I didn't appreciate what she said to *** or how she lied to ****...but then it wouldn't show forgiveness, right? But I do feel weird that she may not know why I don't choose her friendship anymore. Will she ever know I know what she said? And in the end, does it matter? Or does it only matter what God knows the truth in my heart?
Friendships can be tested everyday. I have friends that like to call only when they need something (especially since I am a teacher at the local school). I have friends that like to hang at home but don't invite me to do other things outside of the neighborhood. I see things on Face Book that shows where a group of my friends got together or are planning a get together ....and I'm not invited at all.
And all of this makes you feel like 'what is wrong with me? why am I not invited?'. So you learn that friendships will come and go. And some you choose to not be a part of anymore and some choose not to be a part of you anymore. But you take a little from each one and learn from it. And hopefully you give some too.