To Blog or not to Blog on today's topic at PCC:SEX

Anyone who knows me knows I have an opinion. Enough said there.

SO for me to actually have to ponder if I will discuss today's topic at PCC is a pretty big deal for me. You see, I, like Brian said, feel like a hypocrite. You see today's topic was SEX. There was a little bit of everything included in the topic ranging from when you should be "aloud" to do it to it being a gift from God to married couples. I can't thank Brian enough for his words on how even he (a pastor) did not follow this "rule" and how he feels kinda like a hypocrite when he discusses it. I too do not know if I should discuss my experiences. They do not in any way mirror what the Bible tells us about sex.
Now let's get something straight here...I made mistakes. Big ones. Bad ones. But I was no slut or whore. I know some of you will cringe when you see those words, but they are the only ones that come to mind. So please excuse my lack of vocabulary here.
In addition to the topic itself, I in no way want to portray that I had/have bad parents. I have good parents. They love me. They accept me for who I am. They have put up with a lot of crap from me too. Out of the 3 daughters, I was the one that gave them a good test at parenthood. I use to tell my mom I was the black sheep and she would just look at me with this face she does and say "We do not have any black sheep in this family"!! And in my head I would respond with a "BBBAAAAAAA"!!!
SO the following is what I do remember growing up about being taught about sex and what I wasn't taught...to the best of my recollection. Again, this is my perspective.

Visual: picture about 20-23 female students sitting in a school room. This is a Catholic school, so we are all in our uniforms. Mrs. S (can't remember her entire name)teaching us about sex. The room is very quiet. No one is talking. We were too scared to ask any questions to a teacher. I don't remember the exact details. But it was more biological. Which is good to know. But it was also lacking in any emotion or real talk. But then again, it was 5th grade. We were just told "Not to do it" God says not until you are married. End of discussion.
I assume that the school believed that part should be taught at home. And I agree. But some homes do not teach it. They don't. I do not ever remember sitting down with my parents or even my mom and discussing sex. I remember starting my period and I got a talk by my mom on how to use a maxi pad and how long it lasts, but that's it. Nothing else. I honestly think (again, my perspective here) that my mom was embarrasses to talk about it.
You see, my mom pretty much was an adult right away. Papa (my mom's dad) was gone a lot out to sea. Papa was a merchant marine. Nana (mom's mom) was raising 4 kids by herself. Mom was the oldest and helped out a lot with her 3 younger/wild brothers. And I really believe my mom just did what she was told. I don't know if my mom ever questioned her mom and dad or what. I just know she did what she was told and didn't break the rules. So maybe she thought that learning in Catholic school and Sunday school would be enough to know not to do it before I was married.
Now I am sure some of you are laughing to yourselves that me actually listening to someone and doing exactly what I was told is a big ole joke. And it was. I was (and can still be) a stubborn, I know more than you woman. I pretty much did what I was told not to do. I had to learn it on my own. I still do a lot of the time.
The only conversation I had with my mom regarding sex was when she found out I wrote "I love Scott" and "I want Scott" on the inside of my Catholic uniform skirt when I attended St. Edwards in 5th or 6th grade. Mom was doing laundry and found those words. She came to me in my room and asked me (in a tone that pretty much said this is not really a question as much as it is me making a statement kinda tone) "Do you know what this means? Do you know what 'I WANT' someone means?". Only answer a kid can give in this situation is "no". She said "it means you want him to get in bed and do things to you". And she left the room furious with me.
"Do things to me? What things?"
I can honestly say at this point in my adolescents I had no idea what she was talking about. Seriously no idea. Just kissing in bed?
If anything else was discussed with me I do not remember any of it. Which means, it was not discussed enough and in a manner for me to remember.
I don't know what may have happened if there was more discussion; if there was more "real" talk in my younger years. But knowing me I would have to say it may have prolonged my loss of virginity, but it would have happened either way. Again, stubborn as hell. I had to figure it out for myself.
So let's talk about the reality of it all. The ones who talked about it said it was amazing. It was the best feeling. Of course, what teenager would admit it was weird or awkward or not what the movies show? So, I was curious. What teenager is NOT curious? But it was not what everyone said it was like. And it was the furthest thing from any romantic movie script. Let's be real. It sucked. It was awkward. I felt ashamed. Not because of God (again, being honest) but about my body. Now- that is an entirely different blog!!
When I look back, do I regret it. YES. It's hard for me to teach my students (when we discuss sexual reproduction) to not do it until your married (or as I joke so no one feels uncomfortable) to not do it until you are out of school, have a job, and can support each other...remember I work at a public school and can not preach about God and the Bible.
But it was more than just don't have sex. I had (and still deal with these issues as an adult)issues with self image. I have always fought my weight. I have always wanted a small framed body like my friends had. I wanted to be a dancer and I had the talent (sorry to be boastful here, but I am proud of my dancing)but I was not small enough. I was told for years I was too big. Which (along with other non-dancing issues)led to years of bulimia. So I stopped dancing and gained 30 lbs in like 3 months. So at this point I hated my body. I thought no one male would ever want me because I was fat. This lead to sex = male attention=a man would want me. Sex=love.
Many female teenagers have this issue. More than you can imagine. So, it wasn't just trying something out. It was a very low self image. It was a way to make me feel wanted. When in all reality it was the total opposite of what I thought was going on.
Ok, so here is where I get real with parents of teenagers.....
I teach your children. I know the questions they ask me about sex. I seem to be the teacher all the kids feel comfortable enough with asking these questions they would never ask their parents. I answer the biological questions. I give advice on the things they hear. Professional advice. But parents listen here....your kid is thinking of sex. Your kid listens to other kids who think they know about sex. And they believe them. And it is scary.
I get questions like "Isn't it true that you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex?". "If you do it like _____, then you won't get pregnant?" "I can tell if someone has an STD or not"...........the list goes on and on.
If you are not a parent and do not think your kid will "do it" before they are married because you told them not to....you are statistically WRONG. There are middle school kids who are doing it. It's all over the junior high and it is very all over the high school.
I'm not saying they are ALL doing it. Not all of them are. But most are. So get real.Drop the I'm embarrasses bull shit and talk to them. Or get them a book that is real about it and they can read it. Ask them to write down their questions on paper and you can answer them and write them back. That might help with the face to face embarrassment. But stop pretending that it is not in their minds. If you need to, ask an adult you trust and they trust to talk to them. For those of you at PCC, you know we have wonderful youth ministers who are good with this. And your kids like them and trust them too. But get your head out of the sand and face reality.
Maybe your kids will listen. Maybe you will prolong their first experience. Maybe they will be more open with you and feel more comfortable with you if you talk to them.
BUT DO NOT YELL AT THEM. DO NOT LECTURE THEM. TALK TO THEM OR THEY WILL TURN THEIR BACK AND NEVER TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN. TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT OR YOU WILL LOOSE THEM. DO NOT LAUGH AT THEM OR TELL THEM THEY ARE STUPID OR RIDICULOUS FOR THINKING SOMETHING...OR YOU WILL LOOSE THEM.
And remember, you could talk to them until you are blue in the face. You can do everything in your power to teach them to wait for whatever reason...God, pregnancy, self control, self esteem....but many will still go out and try it.
Here is where the parenting is hard. Remember that we all make mistakes and our God forgives us. He would never turn his back on us. We disappoint him all the time, but he still welcomes us with open arms.
Love your child like that. Do not turn your back. It does not mean you can't tell them how you feel...disappointed, sad, mad....but tell them you love them to. Don't leave that part out.
But don't tell yourself YOUR CHILD does not think about that or MY CHILD would never do that...cause they do and they will.

As for my boys, vasectomies when they hit puberty. And their wedding gift will be a reversal.