My Story....(the short version)

I always doubted. There was no proof for me. I didn’t see how there could be a good, loving God. There was just too much war, hunger, poverty, and well.....bad luck for me. I dwelled on the negative. Why couldn’t my life be better, more fulfilling? So, I just kept living. It wasn’t a bad life: loving husband, good parents, and great friends. But when I look back now, I see I was searching and I didn’t even know it.

I am a science major and a science teacher. I teach facts that have been proven; facts about the science of our lives; things that were solid, tangible, and right there in front of you. And I thought I had a good grasp on my life. But I had no ultimate purpose. I didn’t even think about it.

Then we had a baby. A beautiful baby boy. And I couldn’t console him; he would cry for hours and nobody knew why. We changed formulas; tried different bottles- anything to soothe him. And then we realized he wasn’t developing like other children. And I hated that I couldn’t control that. So I was angry. Angry at God for not given me a normally developing child that no one could give us answers on how to deal with. I had no control over it.

And then I lost all sense of control when 2 deputies, my parents, and my sister arrived at my door on September 20, 2006. My husband was dead. And I couldn’t change that no matter what I did. I was in shock for a long time. And I got even angrier. This was proof to me that if there was a God he was not good. I wanted to know why God was doing these things to me. I felt like it was payback for not believing and worshiping Him.

After awhile, I tried searching....but not in the right places or for the right things or even the right reasons. It only brought me more heartache, more rejection, and more anger. It took me away from my son, when he needed me the most.

So when Amy invited me to PCC, I figured, why not? I’ve tried everything else. I kept firm to my earlier beliefs. I questioned Christians I encountered there and at small group. But I didn’t expect the reactions or answers I received back from them. I wasn’t told to go away or that I was a lost cause. It was ok to question. I didn’t have to be perfect to be loved by God. So slowly, and with caution I let God in. And then I started incorporating his teachings into my life. I let myself lose control and handed my life over to God. And it felt good.

It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen. I knew I couldn’t control everything. But I could trust Him and a peace came over me. I DO remember that day. I smiled a lot. My shoulders weren’t as tied from carrying all those past burdens. I wasn’t mentally exhausted. I was calm. I was at peace. And I was happy. For the first time in a long time, I was happy.

I know I can be the best mom I can with God on my side. I can be a better teacher and a better friend when I actively place His teachings in my daily life. It made me slow down and enjoy what I DO have in my life. I stopped judging others, for I knew all too well what it felt like to be judged. It’s a small county I live in and people like to talk.

I still have questions. But they don’t matter as much anymore. I still plan to sit down with God on the day we meet and ask “How did you do this and that?”. I’m really excited to hear what He has to say.

I’ve gained so much by letting those barriers down that I thought could protect me. I let go and let God. I have faith now, something I have never had before. And I want others to feel the calm, the peace, that believing and actively living your life with God can do It’s awesome, it’s overwhelming, and it’s amazing.